Published on March 21st, 2013 | by James Fell0
An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan
Dear Lindsay Lohan: I’ve got an idea that can save both your career, and your life, so listen up.
Author’s note: Before sending hate mail, attempt to reverse your rectal-cranial inversion and realize that significant portions of this piece are intended to be sarcastic.
Dear Lindsay Lohan:
You used to be talented, and hot, but the drugs and alcohol and crappy parents took their toll.
I’ve got an idea to fix all that. It can save your career. It can save your life.
Let me walk you through this plan step-by-step.
Step 1 – Rehab
You’re starting a mandatory 90-day rehab treatment. You’ve done this before, I know, and you’ve always screwed it up.
So here’s my advice: Don’t screw it up this time. Take this as your “I don’t want to die young like Marilyn Monroe” wakeup call. Do the work and get clean.
I know. Easier said that done, right? Well, I’ve got advice for staying clean coming up.
Step 2 – Chunk up
Bear with me; this takes some explaining. Step 1 is important for saving your life, and getting fat – temporarily – is about saving your career and fixing up your financial issues. All will become clear later in this letter.
What I want you to do is focus on extra tasty junk food, stuff with lots of sugar, fat and salt. You’ll likely find this easy, because while junk food does not meet the full criteria to be an addictive substance, it is certainly compelling, and works on the same neuro-chemical reward pathways in the brain as do drugs and alcohol. When you’re kicking the booze and drugs, potato chips and ice cream can become your methadone. And just like methadone, realize that it’s intended to be temporary.
Gaining about 25-30 pounds ought to be enough, then you’re ready to …
Step 3 – Sign a lucrative deal to lose the weight
It’s time for the first big payday, Lindsay. Jessica Simpson, Kirstie Alley, Valerie Bertinelli, Charles Barkley and many others have done this, so why not you?
First off, get lots of media coverage of your flab. Head to the beach in something skimpy and let the
vultures paparazzi do the rest. It can help up your asking price.
It doesn’t matter who the sponsor of your physical transformation is – just go for the one that writes the biggest check. You can make millions by doing this.
Step 4 – Lose the weight
Again, I don’t care who is sponsoring you; it is totally irrelevant. Ignore the pre-packaged meal crap or whatever else it is they’re flogging and just listen to me. You’ve got a lot of money now, so it’s time to spend some. You can afford a top-notch personal trainer to kick your ass, as well as a registered dietitian to design a healthy eating program, and a team of cooks to prepare every single meal for you to ensure you’re in a consistent caloric deficit to lose the weight at a healthy, sustainable pace. I recommend losing one pound of fat per week. You can go slightly faster than this as long as you don’t feel as though you have sold yourself into weight loss slavery. It’s got to be a Zen-like experience in order to be sustainable.
If you’re trainer is a good one (sorry, but I’m not currently accepting new clients), you’ll be doing some form of resistance exercise and will gain some functional and visually appealing muscle during this process. In six months you can transform your physique into something truly amazing. The sponsoring weight loss company may even decide to give you a bonus.
And speaking of bonuses, exercise has been shown to be an effective treatment for drug abuse, so staying clean becomes that much more achievable.
Step 5 – Reinvigorate your career
The benefits of healthy living don’t stop at weight loss. You’ll be less stressed and have an improved mood, and you’ll also enhance your cognitive capabilities. What this means is, you can prove your acting prowess once again and stop taking such crappy roles. Show some respect for your directors, producers, co-stars and even the “little people” on set, and you will find that big movie roles start coming your way again. Because the clean, exercise-focused lifestyle has made you feel so good, you may find acting like a decent human being to others a less arduous task.
And who knows? With that chiseled physique you could be the next big female action hero. I have this vision of you in a Terminator reboot as a badass Sarah Connor.
A sixth step could be to launch your own line of weight loss products like Kirstie Alley did, but I don’t really recommend that. There’s enough of that crap out there already.
I wish you the best of luck. My cut is 15%.